The kids are alright, but need our help.
Years ago while still a teen services librarian, I visited a junior high class of mostly newcomer youth and we did a program together about heroes and icons. While some of them selected superheroes, athletes or other celebrities, a surprising number of them picked their parents as their favourite hero. Some of the teens spoke about how their parents had made the choice to move an (often large) family to Canada as immigrants or were forced to leave a war torn country as refugees, and the strength that takes.
I’ve been thinking about this lately because of a conversation with my therapist about what people were nurturing, protective or wise in both my early life and into adulthood. For me, my mom was a wonderful role model during the 17 years I had her, until she died of brain cancer in 1996.
I also had a wonderful junior high English teacher named Patti Hillman who helped transform a shy teen into a more confident one in many ways. This started on the first day of Grade 8 English when doing class attendance, realizing there were about 5 Jens in our class and asking whether I wanted to be called Jen, Jenny or Jennifer. “Oh it doesn’t matter”, I shyly said and she immediately responded with “Well it matters to me!” I had been Jenny at school thus far but I said Jen, so remained Jen during junior high and still prefer that. Patti definitely influenced my writing, my fashion, and even my (fictional) love life at the time, as I’d had a crush on a classmate for a few years already and she cast him as Theseus and me as Hippolyta in the Grade 10 production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, a decision I’m fully convinced she made so that I could spend a little more time around him and even share a small onstage kiss. After my mom died in 1996 and I graduated high school, I stayed friends with Patti while still living in Vancouver, and met for the occasional lunch on Commercial Drive. I sadly fell out of touch with her when moving to Red Deer in 2005 and she died about 5 years after that, but I still remember her fondly and recently dreamed about her, so I don’t think her or my mom have completely left my life even in death. Unfortunately I don’t seem to have any photos of Patti but she was a small woman with a large personality who wore vibrant outfits and used a higher than average amount of sarcasm with teenagers who didn’t always appreciate that.
Now in the fucked up world of 2023, I’ve thought a lot about the effect of right wing extremism on kids and teens who are questioning sexuality and gender but do not feel safe to do so at home. Some of those kids and teens would previously have confided in a teacher, librarian or other role model in their life but even those people are being threatened for trying to support youth, accused of grooming, threatened with criminal charges or violence. It’s infuriating for so many of us and while I’m not a parent, over the years as a teen services and children’s librarian I’ve had youth confide in me, tell me they don’t feel safe to be themselves at home or school, and I’ve always done my best to listen and support them while recognizing I am not their guardian so am limited in concrete help I can provide.
Youth really are the future and if we can’t provide a safe and nurturing space for them during their most vulnerable years, we’ve entirely lost the plot as adults. When added to a pandemic we didn’t really protect the kids from, a climate crisis we’re just handing over to them and the trauma of constant and extreme gun violence in the US, it’s all just incredibly dire. Now’s the time when I should bring in some optimism and I don’t have an overabundance of that right now, but still echo what I said on twitter recently and prompted this essay:
Thank you to all the adults out there who encourage kids and teens to live their most authentic lives, however that looks to them. I had a couple adults like this and sometimes forget the positive effect they had on me becoming the weird oatmeal librarian I am today.
You’re a light in sometimes dark world, Jen.
I had three or four teachers (with names I can remember) that pushed me to do better. Mr. Stefanchuk was not only my math teacher, he was the vice principal. Mr. Nikiforuk was my grade 10 physics teacher and aside from his influence was the one who taught us that there is no such thing as "centrifugal force" 😎. Mr Kowalchuk was another math teacher (okay, I was a science geek in high school - sue me) and Mr Raizada was the best chemistry teacher of the three good ones I had from grade 10 through 12.
Unfortunately, my dad was my problem. He wasn't abusive or anything, it was just that he was incapable of teaching. So his approach was "if you just did it the right way you'd be able to do it". And when it came to school, if I came home with straight A's with marks between 85-95% his response was usually. "what happened to the other 15%?" 🤷♂️ As a consequence, I tended to quit rather than end up with sub standard results.
Over the last few years I have ventured outside my comfort zone. I've taught myself how to cook. I do a number of woodworking projects that are beyond the simple box for planting flowers (as and example). And my biggest, in some respects - I now ride a motorcycle. I'm on my third model, and have travelled a fair bit - ~150,000km. I still hear his voice in the back of my head belittling my accomplishments, but have found a way to dismiss that.
I try to keep my good teachers in mind whenever I am dealing with anyone younger than me. And if I can't teach them how to do something, I tell them that all I can offer is how I do it and they may have to look elsewhere for further guidance.